It's official!

We are finally done with all of our adoption paper work. yay! Our adoption profile is now online and can be viewed!

Go check us out and make sure to pass our info along if you know of a potential birth mother that may be considering an adoption plan for her baby.

Our online profile

We're back!

My new years resolution list is short. thank goodness because that means I might actually stick to it! One of the items on my list is to get this blog going again.


Here's a quick recap of the last eight months or so:

• We sold our home of 10 years. 

• We moved into a cramped 800 sq ft  basement apt, stuffed all our belongings into two large storage units and proceeded to go stark raving mad as we endured 4 months of roughing it. We battled ginormous spiders, a daily horrid sewage smell coming from our kitchen, an insomniac landlord who lived upstairs and kept us up too, outlets in the ceiling, an ant infestation, Barbershop Quartet music played above us almost nightly, absolutely no natural light from our tiny windows, and stir craziness and depression brought on by all of the above.

• We watched in almost pain staking slow motion as our new home was built and completed two months behind schedule. We came up to visit our lot on a daily basis as a way of maintaining our sanity throughout the process :) 

• In the end, we moved twice (sorry Clayton!) but looking back on all of it  I can say that it was completely worth it ;) We moved in on August 2nd and have now been here in our beautiful home for 5 months!! 

• Adam started 1st grade and is waaay too popular with the girls at recess. He is an awesome little reader and makes friends very easily. He is liking school this year but when asked about it he will tell you that his favorite parts of the day are "lunch, recess and coming home!"

• Cooper started preschool and loves wearing his "papack" (backpack). He loves riding his scooter and is a little speed demon. Those short little legs move so fast! He's also completely obsessed with the Skylander's Wii game and is always trying to talk one of us into playing it since he's not quite old enough to play it yet.

• Clayton got a new (OLD) car. It's a gem. I'm talking crushed red velvet interior. Your jealous, it's ok. He also started school- BYU/Idaho online and got straight A's his first semester. my hubby has a 4.0!! woot woot! 

• I enjoyed water aerobics 4 nights a week all summer at the outdoor pool and was so sad when it was over.  (can't wait till May!)  The busy photography season started about 4 days after we moved into our new home and I just shot my last session of 2013 about 2 weeks ago.  I had 52 photo sessions scheduled in the past 4 months! It does get crazy hectic at times but I love it. I have really worked hard over the last year and I'm proud of what I've accomplished. You can check out my stuff anytime on my facebook page or my blog  :)

• We decided to turn our adoption papers in again! I know. Crazy right? We just know that this is what we are supposed to do. Whatever happens, we are so happy and blessed and grateful for the family that we have but we are excited to see what 2014 will bring!

Here's our most recent family photo, Clayton shaved his mountain man beard about a week ago so I don't have to endure that awesomeness anymore ;)

For all the adoptive mommas out there....

 

I found this beautifully written piece the other day and had to share it here for all you wonderful mommas out there! Hope you have a wonderful Mother's Day!

 Dear Moms of Adopted Children

Posted on May 7, 2013

First, a quick note: I wrote this piece after reading an essay written by Lea Grover in the Huffiington Post, titled “Dear Less-Than-Perfect Mom.” The post by Lea was wonderful, and it made me think about us moms who found our sweet babies through adoption, and how we face unique challenges. I hope you enjoy it, whether you are the parent of an adopted child or not. Happy early Mother’s Day, everyone.
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Dear Mom of an Adopted Child,
I met you in adoption education class. I met you at the agency. I met you at my son’s school. I met you online. I met you on purpose. I met you by accident.
It doesn’t matter. The thing is, I knew you right away. I recognize the fierce determination. The grit. The fight. Because everything about what you have was a decision, and nothing about what you have was easy. You are the kind of woman who Makes.Things.Happen. After all, you made this happen, this family you have.
Maybe you prayed for it. Maybe you had to convince a partner it was the right thing. Maybe you did it alone. Maybe people told you to just be happy with what you had before. Maybe someone told you it simply wasn’t in God’s plans for you to have a child, this child whose hair you now brush lightly from his face. Maybe someone warned you about what happened to their cousin’s neighbor’s friend. Maybe you ignored them.
Maybe you planned for it for years. Maybe an opportunity dropped into your lap. Maybe you depleted your life-savings for it. Maybe it was not your first choice. But maybe it was.
Regardless, I know you. And I see how you hold on so tight. Sometimes too tight. Because that’s what we do, isn’t it?
I know about all those books you read back then. The ones everyone reads about sleep patterns and cloth versus disposable, yes, but the extra ones, too. About dealing with attachment disorders, breast milk banks, babies born addicted to alcohol, cocaine, meth. About cognitive delays, language deficiencies. About counseling support services, tax and insurance issues, open adoption pros and cons, legal rights.
I know about the fingerprinting, the background checks, the credit reports, the interviews, the references. I know about the classes, so many classes. I know the frustration of the never-ending paperwork. The hours of going over finances, of having garage sales and bake sales and whatever-it-takes sales to raise money to afford it all.
I know how you never lost sight of what you wanted.
I know about the match call, the soaring of everything inside you to cloud-height, even higher. And then the tucking of that away because, well, these things fall through, you know.
Maybe you told your mother, a few close friends. Maybe you shouted it to the world. Maybe you allowed yourself to decorate a baby’s room, buy a car seat. Maybe you bought a soft blanket, just that one blanket, and held it to your cheek every night.
I know about your home visits. I know about your knuckles, cracked and bleeding, from cleaning every square inch of your home the night before. I know about you burning the coffee cake and trying to fix your mascara before the social worker rang the doorbell.
And I know about the followup visits, when you hadn’t slept in three weeks because the baby had colic. I know how you wanted so badly to show that you had it all together, even though you were back to working more-than-full-time, maybe without maternity leave, without the family and casseroles and welcome-home balloons and plants.
And I’ve seen you in foreign countries, strange lands, staying in dirty hotels, taking weeks away from work, struggling to understand what’s being promised and what’s not. Struggling to offer your love to a little one who is unsettled and afraid. Waiting, wishing, greeting, loving, flying, nesting, coming home.
I’ve seen you down the street at the hospital when a baby was born, trying to figure out where you belong in the scene that’s emerging. I’ve seen your face as you hear a nurse whisper to the birthmother that she doesn’t have to go through with this. I’ve seen you trying so hard to give this birthmother all of your respect and patience and compassion in those moments—while you bite your lip and close your eyes, not knowing if she will change her mind, if this has all been a dream coming to an abrupt end in a sterile environment. Not knowing if this is your time. Not knowing so much.
I’ve seen you look down into a newborn infant’s eyes, wondering if he’s really yours, wondering if you can quiet your mind and good sense long enough to give yourself over completely.
And then, to have the child in your arms, at home, that first night. His little fingers curled around yours. His warm heart beating against yours.
I know that bliss. The perfect, guarded, hopeful bliss.
I also know about you on adoption day. The nerves that morning, the judge, the formality, the relief, the joy. The letting out of a breath maybe you didn’t even know you were holding for months. Months.
I’ve seen you meet your child’s birthparents and grandparents weeks or years down the road. I’ve seen you share your child with strangers who have his nose, his smile … people who love him because he’s one of them. I’ve seen you hold him in the evenings after those visits, when he’s shaken and confused and really just wants a stuffed animal and to rest his head on your shoulder.
I’ve seen you worry when your child brings home a family tree project from school. Or a request to bring in photos of him and his dad, so that the class can compare traits that are passed down, like blue eyes or square chins. I know you worry, because you can protect your child from a lot of things — but you can’t protect him from being different in a world so intent on celebrating sameness.
I’ve seen you at the doctor’s office, filling out medical histories, leaving blanks, question marks, hoping the little blanks don’t turn into big problems later on.
I’ve seen you answer all of the tough questions, the questions that have to do with why, and love, and how much, and where, and who, and how come, mama? How come?
I’ve seen you wonder how you’ll react the first time you hear the dreaded, “You’re not my real mom.” And I’ve seen you smile softly in the face of that question, remaining calm and loving, until you lock yourself in the bathroom and muffle your soft cries with the sound of the shower.
I’ve seen you cringe just a little when someone says your child is lucky to have you. Because you know with all your being it is the other way around.
But most of all, I want you to know that I’ve seen you look into your child’s eyes. And while you will never see a reflection of your own eyes there, you see something that’s just as powerful: A reflection of your complete and unstoppable love for this person who grew in the midst of your tears and laughter, and who, if torn from you, would be like losing yourself.

Here is a link to the piece online http://www.kathylynnharris.com/dear-moms-of-adopted-children/
 

Remaining a family of four.

It's kind of ironic that the last post I put on this blog was in October announcing that we were adopting a baby and now here I am writing a post about NOT adopting the baby.
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On New Years Eve we found out that the birthmom has decided to not place her baby girl for adoption.  This has been a difficult decision for her but she has chosen to keep her. There are so many emotions going through us right now that it's difficult to explain exactly how we feel. To say that we aren't sad or even a little bit heartbroken would be a lie.  We have known about this baby since July and thought we were adopting her since October so we've had several months of "baby on our minds". With any adoption situation you don't want to get your hopes up completely but nevertheless it's hard not to because you still have to somewhat prepare, emotionally, financially and spiritually for the "possibility" of an addition to the family.
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I have kept telling myself over the last several months that I would be fine either way. that even if we don't adopt this baby that it will be no big deal. I've told countless friends who have asked, that it's ok either way and that we will be just fine.

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So of course I surprised myself last night when I broke down in tears and couldn't stop crying.  You see, this is the end of the road for us. We will not be turning papers in to adopt again. I can no longer go around living my life with my heart on my sleeve.

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 I've known and felt for about a year that if we were going to have another child, he or she would literally have to fall into our laps. I couldn't bare the thought of turning our adoption papers in again, going through countless questions on paper, getting assigned another caseworker, going for interviews, having our home and family inspected just to say that we are fit and sane to be parents while so many people in this world can have babies so easily with no questions asked.  Don't even get me started on the financial burden...Adoption isn't cheap and we aren't wealthy.I wouldn't trade my children for anything in the world but getting them here wasn't a walk in the park. it was more like crawling through a muddy trench as it sucked every last penny from our pockets.

When this adoption situation came to us it was an answer to my (our) prayers. It literally was falling straight out of the sky into our laps. Clayton and I both knew that this baby would be completing our family and it gave me the added comfort of knowing that after this we could finally move on with our lives and step out of the "adoption limbo". What does that mean?  it means no more waiting and wondering WHEN or IF we would have another baby. No more worry about paperwork, caseworkers, money or the possibility of doing it all and then not being chosen by a birth mom.
We could finally start paying off bills, saving for the kids college tuitions, our boys missions and a family vacation. We would use all our baby stuff for the last time and then part with it happily.

So here we are. No baby to complete our family yet I'm certain that we are done. Like I mentioned before, I can't continue to wear my heart on my sleeve. Believe it or not (and this may be extremely hard to believe for those of you that know me very well) I actually used to be a very private person.  I guarded my secrets, my pains and all my hurts very closely.  For the first couple of years of our marriage our families and friends had no idea that we had been trying to have a baby for 2 1/2 years and struggling with infertility because we never told anyone.  I didn't feel like it was anyone's business and I preferred to struggle through it alone. Then adoption came along and blew my personal life wide open. All of a sudden I didn't have a choice but to be an open book about every aspect of my life. My heart rolled out on my sleeve for all to see and there wasn't anything I could do about it.  Since then I've had my hopes up... I've had my hopes dashed and I've had them crushed.

I've also had my hopes realized with the birth of both our boys. They are beautiful and precious and I couldn't be more grateful to God for allowing me to be their mother. I'm grateful for the Gospel of Jesus Christ in my life that allows me to see the bigger picture in all of this. my boys are blessed to be raised in the gospel and to have an eternal family.
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I am content with the family we have. I am relieved to know that we can move on with our lives now. and we will. We will get through this the same way that every person gets through a challenging time in their lives and that is by continuing to put one foot in front of the other. With time will come perspective and hopefully more happiness and joy.

Clayton asked me last night if I am embarrassed...the answer is yes. I am embarrassed that we made this huge announcement because I feel like we got everyone else's hopes up right along with ours. We also had two huge fundraisers that we couldn't have done alone. So many people around us invested their time, their hard work, their money, their hopes and prayers on the two events we planned. Both the yard sale and the 5k were a great success and we thank everyone single person who contributed in anyway from the bottom of our hearts. You will never truly know how your kindness has really affected us.
Clayton was talking to his mom on the phone this morning and told her we are so embarrassed about doing these fundraisers and taking everyones time and money and I'm grateful for what she said:

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"Don't feel bad for one second, your hearts were in the right place"

It's true. Our hearts were in the right place. Even though this adoption fee would have been an enormous finincial burden on our little family, we were willing to do anything and everything to get this baby here. I'm not tooting our horn or anything but that says a lot about our commitment.
Clayton and I talked about it last night and we are going to put the fundraising money that we earned towards our first adoption loan. We still owe quite a huge amount on our oldest sons adoption and this will put a dent in that amount.

So thank you again, to all of you that have had us on your minds, in your prayers, that helped us in anyway with our fundraisers and that have been our friends and confidants through all of this. We love you and are grateful to have you as our family and friends.

I don't regret this experience because it's from our struggles that we grow and become a better us. We have no ill feelings towards our birthmom. We will continue to love her and support her and wish her all the best. I'm glad that she was able to come to a firm decision and I know that she will be ok. I also happen to know that she makes the most incredibly beautiful babies and there's no doubt that this precious little girl will be beautiful inside and out.  I'm lucky enough to have been her "almost mom" for a short little while.

Where's my sister?

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For the last six months or so Adam has been asking us where his sister is, this has been happening on an almost daily basis! At some point in the day he will mention something about "his" sister and how he can't wait till she's in our family.  We've talked to him about the fact that we may never have a little girl in our family and that it's up to Heavenly Father whether he gets a brother or a sister but he has his mind made up lol. 

The other day while we were on our way to the store he said "mommy, is my sister still in heaven?"

I, for the sake of not explaining yet again that it's not in our control whether the next baby will be a boy or a girl just said "Yes, she's still in heaven buddy"

For a few moments there was silence and then a loooong drawn out SIGH followed by "Well I know she's ready to come down, why won't Heavenly Father just send her now?"

Isn't he cute? Love this sweet innocent age :)

Later that day he took matters into his own hands. He came into the kitchen and said that his sister had arrived and she was downstairs! He lead me down the stairs and introduced me to "Holly" 

 

 Isn't she pretty? The blanket is supposed to be her long flowing hair :)

And not to be outdone by his sister "Holly", he found some beautiful flowing hair for himself too :)

NOTE: As I was literally writing this post and finishing it up Adam asked me again "Is my sister still up in heaven?" ...I replied "Yes" and he said "Ugh!! When is she coming down?!"

Poor kid! I hope his wish comes true :)

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Cooper turns ONE! ....3 Birthdays in 3 weeks..PART 3

Cooper turned 1 a couple of weeks ago.
It's hard to believe!
Who knew he would be such a blessing and such a little stinker all in the same package!
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He is a daddy's boy, through and through.
Nobody around him even compares.
Cooper is a very sweet boy! He is super quick to smile and can melt your heart! He can crawl faster than most people can walk. He loves stuffed animals, balls, cars and trucks.
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We think Cooper had an awesome birthday! His birth mother came for his party and we are so glad she did! He is so loved by everyone around him :)
We did a football themed birthday for Cooper and I made his cake.
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I think it turned out pretty well. Minus the sea green grass (ARG!)
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Luckily it tasted better than it looked. Cooper sunk his little fingers right in and made a gigantic mess.
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He'd make a super cute smurf wouldn't he?
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Luckily I called "not it" right before it was time to clean up! His uncle Chad scooped him up and took him to the bathroom to help Clayton scrub him clean.

A couple of days after his birthday I took some separate smash cake pictures. I couldn't help it, it's something I've always wanted to do but Adam never liked cake so he wasn't the right candidate :)
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They turned out so cute! The entire shoot took only about 10 minutes. As soon as I placed him in front of the cake he pretty much destroyed it :) It was when he started flinging the cake 10 feet in every direction that Clayton put a stop to everything! haha.

National Adoption Conference 2011

I was so excited to finally be able to attend the Families Support Adoption National Conference this year!
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The keynote speaker this year was Julie B. Beck, The General Relief Society President of the
Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.
She shared some wonderful stories and had a very positive message of adoption.
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The banquet on Friday night was so much fun!
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The food was DELICIOUS.
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I am so glad that I was able to go this year. There were some classes on the agenda that I was really looking forward too and they did not disappoint. I also had the privilege to moderate an open discussion on trans racial adoption which was a great experience! I met some wonderful people and heard some amazing stories. I had many opportunities to share my own experiences and feelings and I'm so grateful to the countless people that came up to me afterwards and expressed their feelings on the topics I discussed.
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My favorite part of all was the time spent with my amazing friends. We made a "girls weekend" out of it
and crammed in as much shopping, eating and
talking as we could!
Thanks girls, for being incredible, strong, talented and an absolute inspiration to me every day.

Gettin' our parade on

We had a fabulous 4th of July weekend.

Luckily for us, we get to celebrate twice here in Utah!

This weekend we will be attending our first ever..
Fish Rodeo.
It involves an 18,000 sq ft. man made pond,
over 700 fish,
and hundreds of little kids.
Adam will be right in there trying to catch
his very own fish with his bare hands!

We're looking forward to lots of sunshine, the carnival,
BBQing, and the "real" rodeo.

The finale will be participating in the parade with the rest of the FSA group. We hope to see all our FSA peeps, and family and friends out there too!

Have a fabulous weekend!

Infertility? I'm over it.

Several weeks ago my hubby and I had the opportunity to attend and teach a class for our local LDS Family Services adoption training. We are on the board for Families Supporting Adoption so we have taught this class before but it never gets old for me!
Before our class we hosted a breakout session for a group of first time adoptive couples and I think that was my favorite class. We were able to answer so many great questions and share some wonderful experiences.
Overall I believe there were about 40 couple in attendance for the training. A majority of the couples that where there were "first time" adoptive couples meaning they are just beginning the adoption process and have no children yet. As I sat looking out over these wonderful people, my heart couldn't help but ache for them. I wanted to hug them and tell them "You are not alone!"
I was surprised at how emotional I was feeling! I think just knowing that some of the couples there where "fresh" off the infertility bandwagon just made me think back to our own infertility experience.

For them and those of my readers that have dealt with or are currently dealing with infertility I felt compelled to share some things with you. First, You are not alone! I know the pain of infertility, the loss of hope and the struggle of keeping enough faith to keep going one more day. I know about the anger and the sadness that come with the realization that I will never carry a child inside my womb and hear his heart beat. I will never know what my hubby and I can create together. I know all too well what it's like to be poked and prodded at every doctors visit. To get my hopes up before every blood draw, procedure, or test result shows up. I faithfully took the infertility pills and did everything I was told. I was the only one at work that knew my temperature and what day of my cycle it was EVERY single morning for 4 years!!
I've been there. I've done that...BUT.. I'm over it! (I'll tell you why later in the post :D) But I will tell you that it's worth it!

I can relate to the million questions you have about adoption. The ridiculous fees, the paperwork, the 101 hoops we have to jump through. The nervousness and the anxiety that come with the entire process and impatience of being "chosen" and finally starting your family. I could write a small book from my encounters with friends/family and acquaintances who have made insensitive comments about our infertility and adoption experiences.

I've been there. I've done that..and I will tell you that it's worth it!!

All of it.

I've said this before and I will say it again because I believe it to be the truth. Infertility is the biggest blessing I have ever been given. I would not be the woman I am today without the experience. Because of it I appreciate the miracle of life so much more.
I can tell you with an honest heart that I am 100% over infertility. I don't dwell on it nor does it cause me pain and anguish to talk about it. I am genuinely happy...no, thrilled when I hear of anothers pregnancy. (just don't complain about it PLEASE!) ....I can be happy for those around me..

Because I am confident of the path that I am on.

Let me tell you why:

Heavenly Father will never give us a trial that we cannot bear.

“There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.” (1 Cor. 10:13.)

In a talk by Paul V. Johnson of the Quorum of the Seventy he writes..

"Not one of the trials and tribulations we face is beyond our limits, because we have access to help from the Lord. We can do all things through Christ, who strengthens us.(Phillipians 4:13)

"The question is, how will we bear it?
I can tell you that at first I did not handle my trial of infertility well!! I went through EVERY emotion..pain, sadness, anger, frustration..you name it, I felt it!

Brother Johnson goes on to say..
...."In the midst of problems, it is nearly impossible to see that the coming blessings far outweigh the pain, humiliation, or heartbreak we may be experiencing at the time....At times it may seem that our trials are focused on areas of our lives and parts of our souls with which we seem least able to cope. Since personal growth is an intended outcome of these challenges, it should come as no surprise that the trials can be very personal—almost laser guided to our particular needs or weaknesses. " This rings so true to my ears! There were times where I felt the trial of infertility couldn't get any more personal! It was the only thing in life that I really wanted so why couldn't I have the deepest desire of my heart?

But eventually (eventually being several years of heart ache later) I started looking at our trials in a different way. I wanted to understand what I was supposed to gain and learn from it? The "Why me?" questions continued but my attitude changed from whining to genuinely wanting to know "Why?"...what where we supposed to learn from this and where we on the right path at all?

Apostle Orson F. Whitney (1855–1931) of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, explained: “No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude and humility. All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable, more worthy to be called the children of God … and it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire.”

Just when I thought I couldn't take anymore of this trial I had been dealt, I saw a light at the end of the tunnel. It was a well lit path and it beckoned me to follow. After years of infertility struggles I had found an answer to my prayers.... because despite everything, I never stopped praying. Even when I was mad at God Himself, I still got on my knees and poured my heart out to Him.

I want to share parts of another talk that I love, called "Adversity and Prayer" by Bishop H. Burke Peterson (given in Jan 1974)
He says:

"Let us remember—trials are an evidence of a Father’s love. They are given as a blessing to his children. They are given as opportunities for growth.

Now, how do we approach them? How do we overcome them? How are we magnified by them? There seems to be a reason why we lose our composure in adversity—why we think we can no longer cope with what we’re faced with here in this life. There is a reason why we give up, why we “fall apart at the seams” so to speak. The reason may be so simple that we lose sight of it.

Could it be it’s because we begin to lose contact with our greatest source of strength—our Father in heaven? He is the key to our enjoying sweetness in adversity—in gaining strength from our trials—he and he alone.

As a reassurance to us, let us read from the New Testament: “There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.” (1 Cor. 10:13.)

Did you get the significance of that scriptural promise—we will have no temptation or trial beyond our ability to overcome—he will provide a way for us to rise above—whatever it may be.

May I suggest the best way I know to keep close to the source of this great strength is through prayer. No man can stand alone in his struggle through life. Sometimes in discouragement our prayers, at best, become occasional or maybe not at all. Sometimes we forget or just don’t care. Brigham Young once said, “Prayer keeps man from sin, and sin keeps man from prayer.”

Sincere prayer is the heart of a happy and productive life. Prayer strengthens faith. Prayer is the preparation for miracles. Prayer opens the door to eternal happiness. The Father of us all is personal, ever waiting to hear from us, as any loving father would his children. To learn to communicate with him, to learn to pray effectively, requires diligence and dedication and desire on our part. I wonder sometimes if we are willing to pay the price for an answer from the Lord.

As we learn to develop this two-way communication, the standard of our life will improve. We will see things more clearly, we will try harder to do better, we will see the real joy that can come through trials and testing. Although problems will still be with us, peace, contentment, and true happiness will be ours in abundance."

"...Think to whom you are speaking, control your thoughts—don’t let them wander, address him as your Father and your friend. Now tell him things you really feel to tell him—not trite phrases that have little meaning, but have a sincere, heartfelt conversation with him. Confide in him, ask him for forgiveness, plead with him, enjoy him, thank him, express your love to him, and then listen for his answers. Listening is an essential part of praying. Answers from the Lord come quietly—ever so quietly. In fact, few hear his answers audibly with their ears. We must be listening so carefully or we will never recognize them. Most answers from the Lord are felt in our heart as a warm comfortable expression, or they may come as thoughts to our mind. They come to those who are prepared and who are patient."

My prayers changed over the years as I realized what I truly wanted.

Did I want to be pregnant or did I want to be a parent?

HUGE difference in my way of thinking there!
When my desires and needs changed the answer to my prayer came very quickly and that's when I knew why we'd been given the trial of infertility...

Without it we would never have considered adoption....

And the thought of not being our children's mother is too much to bear.

Once we finally knew that the path set before us was the right one, I felt so much peace in my heart. I continued to pray daily, but now I had one more very important blessing that I was asking for. I prayed for Heavenly Father to lift the pain of infertility from my shoulders. It was a huge burden (the elephant in EVERY room) that was weighing me down. I didn't feel like I could move completely forward while still feeling it's weight. It wasn't an overnight answer but it came gradually and consistently over time. I felt peace but my heart was also healing a little bit every day. I have felt the changes in my life, in my attitude and in my overall happiness. I decided to never look back and it was the best decision for me.

Provo FSA's annual adoption walk!

This Saturday we will be at the FSA Celebrate Adoption Walk and we hope to see you there!

You can read more about it Here


Lets celebrate what adoption is all about...Families, beautiful children, their amazing birth mother's and LOVE!

The Celebrate Adoption Walk
May 14th 2011
10:00 am
Provo High School Track

PS. Bring your family and friends too..basically anyone that supports and loves adoption, we'd love to see them there! :)

Guest Blogger- Big Tough Girl Ashley!

Hello Everyone!

My name is Ashley Mitchell and I am so excited to write this post for Angie and Clayton! It is such an honor and they are so amazing. I have been following their blog and have really enjoyed their open and honest hearts! I was asked to share a little bit about myself.
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I am 31 years old and I am married to my Amazing Grace.

We have an amazing, beautiful daughter, Tyler Ann who is now 13 months…I don’t know what we did before our baby girl! I am a member of the LDS church and serve faithfully in the Young Women's Program. I have an incredible family that I love dearly, I love to read, I love to scrapbook and create art, I love to spend time outdoors, camping and at the lake, I am a
die-hard college football fan,I think snow is magical...
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and I am a birth mom.
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.At 26 I found myself pregnant and in an impossible situation. My life was changed forever. I had to make a decision and it almost killed me. I was so lucky to have family around me. When I made the decision to place my baby for adoption I felt a great deal of peace come over me. I was so blessed to come in contact with the amazing adoptive family that took my son as their own!

After my sons placement I spent many years lost and out of control.
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I never really had anyone tell me what to expect after I placed my baby, I never had anyone that I could talk with about the guilt, sadness, grief that I was feeling.
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I tried to keep myself together and act like everything was fine but it was almost impossible. I spent years away from the church and turned to drinking, drugs and casual relationships trying to find anything that would fill the void that I was feeling. It took many mistakes and many break downs to finally snap out of it.

After everything that I experienced I realized how important it is to have people around you that understand what you are going through and can help you and teach you from their own experiences. That is where the next chapter of my life took me.

In 2010 I founded a non-profit organization called
Blessings in a Basket. It was set up with the birth mothers in mind. They have a great need for love, support, healing and connecting and so through gift baskets, life coaching, a community of other birth moms, support groups, retreats and so much more we are bringing that to them. My number one priority is to be there for the birth moms, night and day, offering any amount of information and support that I can.

BIB is set up now to reach not just the birth moms but the birth fathers, the parents of the birth parents, adoption agencies and adoptive families…there are so many ways that people can donate to Blessings in a Basket through all of our different events, baskets, advertising etc. If anyone has any questions about the organization or about how they can reach out and help, they can contact me at any time ashley@blessingsinabasket.org.

My son will be 5 years old in April, 2011…it has been 5 years. I have spent much of that time in darkness and a year in the light. Giving my son for adoption was the best choice for me and everyone involved. It was in no way the easiest choice and it came with the most “side-effects”..but I found a way to get through them. I know that I was watched over and protected, I know that I had more of a story to tell, I know that I had people waiting for me and that needed me. I have been able to reach so many women, amazing “Big Tough Girls” and I am the luckiest person on the planet.
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It took a long time to get here but we always try to show where life goes after adoption…give the birth moms the tools that they need, life coaching and direction to move forward and not backward, to succeed and not fail, to love and not grieve. We offer opportunities of employment for those interested and help with placement for those looking down another path.

I am not picketing the streets screaming pro-life, I am not a college graduate, I am not a business whiz, I am not well connected in society and I am not wealthy. I am just a girl who found herself pregnant and who placed her son for adoption…I am telling my story in hopes to help one girl at a time!

For Eternity

We had a very special weekend.

We took Cooper to the temple on Saturday to have him sealed to our family.

I couldn't help but get emotional when I saw both our beautiful boys dressed in white!
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The icing on the cake was when we stepped out to the waiting room of the temple to see Cooper's birth mom L standing before for us!

We knew she was planning on coming and we couldn't wait! We hadn't seen her since his placement 6 months ago.

We spent a wonderful afternoon with her and then had the opportunity to see her again the next day when she joined us at church for Cooper's blessing.

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I've had a lot of time in the past week to reflect on the Lords plan for each of us.

I feel, as most adoptive parents do, that the children we adopt where meant to come to us. There is no doubt in my mind that Adam and Cooper are where they are supposed to be.

All those painful years of struggling with infertility were really just part of Heavenly Father's plan for us. He gently guided us down the path we were supposed to take.

But an integral part of the Lord's plan for us included a woman who would have to make the ultimate sacrifice.

I doubt that Cooper's birth mom had any idea just a few years ago, that she would ever be in the position where she would have to make the most difficult decision of her life.

I had a chance to talk to L about my feelings and she shared that her faith in the Lord had a significant place in her decision making.
I'm grateful to her for being brave and strong and loving Cooper so much that she recognized Heavenly Father's plan for both of them.

Oh and can I just say that I LOVE open adoption!!

I love that we have a great relationship with both our boys birth moms. I can't imagine it any other way!

Adoption Day!!

It's official!!

Cooper J is... a Harwood!!

After a very loud display of squealing from Cooper
and many wild antics from Adam while in court,
the judge looked right at me and said
"Good Luck!"

Thanks.
I'm going to need it!
I have two very busy and very strong willed boys

Good thing they are adorable, squeezable, kissable and fun!

We didn't invite anyone to Adam's finalization because we had no idea what to expect.
Afterward we had regrets and realized we should have shared this neat experience with our families.
I'm glad we got a second chance with Cooper's finalization to include everyone in this special day!

I stressed and stressed and stressed about what we were all going to wear, especially me.
But I think we all coordinated nicely!
Don't look too closely though because you may notice
this outfit on me again at Coopers blessing on Sunday too!

After stressing and stressing and stressing about our outfits, you would think I would remember Cooper's socks!!!

We had a wonderful "Adoption Day" and can't wait for this weekend! On Saturday we get to take Cooper to the temple and on Sunday his daddy can give him a blessing!

The big day

We have been given a court date
to finalize Cooper's adoption

We can hardly wait!

He is as smiley and slobbery as ever.

Cuddly too.

We love him to pieces!


Save the date:
March 3rd 2011

Featured!

Recently I received an email from the director of research for the National Council for Adoption. She informed me that our family had been selected to be featured in their monthly publication the Adoption Advocate!

"The Adoption Advocate is a publication created by NCFA to educate policy makers, families, child welfare specialists and other interested parties on today's most relevant child welfare and adoption issues."

"The Adoption Advocate is a monthly publications with a different topic of focus each month."

This months topic is "The Gift of Adoption".

And here is a link to our story!!

(I actually wrote this long before Cooper was born when I was asked specifically to write about trans racial adoption as a guest post for another blog)



Thank You National Council for Adoption for featuring our family!

What Not To Say: To a Birth Mom

I am posting this here on my blog with the permission of my friend Jen (an adoptive mother) who had it on her blog last month. I thought it was a fantastic post that is so worthy of sharing! It is written by her sister who is a birth mother:


I once heard someone say “No matter how many babies you carry out of the hospital with you, you will never forget the one you did not”. There is a sting there that never really heals, a wounded piece of yourself that you hide away and nurse in your weakest moments. In some ways, when you place a child for adoption, you are sentencing yourself to the life of an outsider. Even your closest family and friends can sometimes be insensitive and callous. There are always people who will say terrible things, which is why many of us who have been on either side of the adoption world don’t usually talk about it right off the bat with people. Once you experience that first person who judges you harshly for your experience, you tend to guard that part of yourself from the hurt of those comments. I think it should be common knowledge and common courtesy to think before we speak in every situation, especially in matters that are close to someone else’s heart. Unfortunately some people do not believe that is necessary, and so here I will discuss what not to say to someone who has placed a child for adoption. Please keep in mind that these insights are my own, and may not reflect the feelings of EVERY birth mother in the world. I am only speaking from my own experience, along with the experiences of those birth mothers whom I have spoken with.

First things first: Think before you speak.
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This is the main point I want to get across. I am not asking that anyone refrain from asking questions when speaking with me or any other birth mom. I am simply imploring every human being to realize that the people around you have emotions. I can almost guarantee that this part of a birth mom’s life will bring up strong feelings and reactions. Most of the women I know who have placed will cry simply from talking about their child, and many of them can barely speak about it. It’s a very private thing for most of us, and we share it with those who we feel comfortable and safe with. Please keep this in mind whenever you ask a question or think about saying something judgmental.

1. “I could never give up my baby.”

This statement smacks of moral superiority. As if someone is trying to say that the decision to place your child was entirely selfish and that you just dropped your baby in a dumpster somewhere. I have never met a birth mom who found it easy to walk away from a child. I have also never met one who felt that the decision to place a child was right for every mother in hard circumstances. Most of the women I have heard this from are either pregnant or have very young children. It’s as if they want me to know that they don’t want me “preaching” to them about the benefits of adoption. After placing my son I had to go back to high school, and there were several girls who got pregnant after I had placed my son who completely avoided me because they thought I would berate them for wanting to “keep” their baby. I would never assume to tell anyone what is right for them. If a young pregnant girl came to me and genuinely wanted to know about my experiences, I would confide all of the wonderful parts of placing my son: knowing he is safe in good hands, the wonderful relationship I have with him and his family, being able to see pictures of him going to far off places and having fun vacations, being able to finish high school and live on my own for a time, feeling at peace with my decision. To this same troubled young woman I would give all of the not so fun facts: The years of grieving I have experienced, the feeling of loneliness and jealousy when in the company of other mom’s, the fears, anxieties and difficulties of being one of the small percent who place, the part of yourself that never really feels right. It is a difficult road to travel and not one I would wish on anyone who did not want it. In most cases the above statement is simply not necessary. Most people in our society couldn’t imagine parting with a child, which is why there are so few internal adoptions in the US. As adoptive parents, we already feel like outsiders because of our experience, by saying you “could never” do what we did, you are only reiterating the fact that we are different, and making us feel alienated from you at the same time. All in all this is simply not necessary, so just try to avoid saying it.

1. “You can always have more children”

Most of us who have had children will understand why this statement rings as rude and callous. Again I will say that no amount of children in my home will ever “replace” or “make up” for the child that is not there. In the case of a woman who loses a child to death it is obvious to anyone that this woman is grieving that loss. Some people seem to think that because we made the choice we don’t deserve the same respect that you would give someone grieving the death of a child. By no means am I comparing the two situations, I realize that the grieving of a mother whose child has died is it’s own monster entirely, but still the fact remains that we are grieving the loss of a child. No matter the fact that we made the choice, we still feel that loss as any mother would. The difference is that at the same time we are grieving we are also at peace with the decision because we gifted that child with a life they would not have had otherwise.

1. “Don’t you worry about the effect your presence will have on the child?” (In regards to open adoption)

This was almost word-for-word the statement I heard from a family member not too long ago. It stung mostly because I had hoped that by now most of my family and friends would understand how important my relationship is with not only my son, but also his adoptive family. I consider myself lucky to be one of the few who has open contact with the adoptive family of my child. I have come to love his family and think of them as an extension of my own. We visit regularly, talk on the phone and write emails back and forth. After every new contact I feel revitalized and elated, and I love them more and more each time I talk to them. I realize that there is still the view out there that adoptions should be closed, this is usually out of fear that the birth family will seek custody of the child or out of fear of confusing the child at some point. I have no doubts that the latter was what my family member intended to convey at the time. I certainly understand the concern, and perhaps in another time, this was the most acceptable thing, but in an age where communication and information are readily accessible to everyone it is simply not as feasible as it used to be. Having done the research myself out of my own curiosity, I know the studies of adopted children have shown that those who are told from the time they are young that they are adopted have a better chance of being well-adjusted adults. This has to do with their confidence in their parents and also in themselves. Those in open adoption situations have even less issues because they never have to ask if their biological parents “wanted” them. They know it was not about wanting, it was about what was best. Of course I still worry that he may get confused one day, but I trust that his parents will know what is best for him, and I will do whatever they think is best. For my son this has always been the norm, he doesn’t question that and he knows he can ask questions of his parents or myself anytime he needs to.

1. “Didn’t you love your baby?”

Yes! With every fiber of my being and with every piece of my soul I loved him. There was not a moment of his existence when I felt less than 100% love for him. Anyone who can ask this question of me has never had a child of their own. Having him will forever be one of the greatest moments of my life, and placing him will always be one of the hardest. Sometimes the hardest things are what has to be done. Had it been simply about me and my needs he would have come home with me from that hospital. This choice was in no way about me, yes I did benefit from it in some obvious and some unexpected ways, but I would have given all that up if I had only been thinking about me. The only thing that has gotten me through the tough times has been the knowledge that this was the right thing for HIM. I carried him, birthed him, held him, loved him and let him go all so that he could have the wonderful life and family he deserved. I love him every day and think of him often. Only for someone I loved so much could I give up a piece of myself. For him I did that, and for no one else. Don’t ask me if I loved my child, it’s just mean spirited and the answer is so obvious that I cant imagine why some people ask.

1. “Have you ever thought of taking him back?”

The answer to this question is no, absolutely never. My son is lucky enough to have one of the most amazing women I have ever met as his mom. He has a wonderful man for a father and he even has a big sister who loves him. I could never take those things away from him, even if I never got to know them, never loved them and never knew how amazing they were, I could not take him away from the only family he has ever known. Just the thought of that makes me sick. Of course because I do feel all of those things for them now I would also never do that to them, but in any case my son was always the deciding factor, and I could never hurt him like that. I have never met a birth mom who would want this, and even though the stories abound I really think this is the exception and not the rule.

I understand the curiosity that people have around this subject, so I know that sometimes questions are asked simply because this is a situation that not many people have experienced in their own life. I am always happy to answer the well-meaning questions of my friends or acquaintances. I hope this information is somewhat helpful to someone who plans on talking to a birth mom soon. Remember to keep your curiosity, ask what you want to know but please THINK before you speak!

What I've learned about birth mother's...

I was asked to guest blog on an awesome blog run by birth mothers called 'Birthmothers For Adoption'. This is the post but you can also read it on their blog
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When we first starting looking into adoption over 5 years ago, we really had no idea what to expect from a potential birth mother. The only experience we’d had with adoption up until that point was the knowledge that their were 2 people on my husband side of the family that were adopted. They’re adoptions were closed and they knew very little about their birth families. And of course there was always the Lifetime channel's latest movie about an adoption scam or a birth mother taking her child back.
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At our first appointment with LDS family services, our new caseworker brought us up to speed on the changes in the adoption world, the biggest being that most adoptions were at least semi open now days.
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We were told that we needed to be open to sending pictures and letters and that we would be able to meet our child’s birth mother and get to know her a little bit before placement. We were scared but willing to do whatever was asked of us.

We waited 1 year without being chosen through LDSFS and then felt very strongly that we should follow promptings to go through another agency.
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6 months later we found out we had been chosen to adopt a baby boy due in 5 weeks! We were elated, words cannot describe our joy! We felt so much peace and knew that this little boy was an answer to our prayer’s and we couldn’t wait to meet his birth mother and get to know her.
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At this point we were still very much being guided by our caseworker…we’d never done this before and were terrified that we would offend Diane in some way or that she would decide that she didn’t like us! We wanted to spend as much time with her as possible but weren’t sure if that was appropriate or if she would even want us around. I was so happy to find out that she did want us around and I was able to go to all her doctor’s appointments for the last 4 weeks.
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When I found out that Diane was going to let me be in the delivery room for the birth of the baby I was overwhelmed with emotions. I, myself don’t have any sisters and I’ve never experienced a pregnancy or even had a positive sign appear on a pregnancy test so I’d never had the privilege to be present at a birth of a baby; We struggled with infertility for over 5 years and the emotional ups and downs are enough to tear a person down…I never imagined that I would get to see any of our future children being born!
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But here was this amazing woman who was going to be placing her child in my arms permanently and she was willing to let me be there for his birth too! To be able to experience it through her was more than I could ever ask for and I’m so grateful that she included me, I don’t know if I can ever explain how special it was to see our son being born and to actually get to cut the umbilical cord! Looking back on it now, I know that this is a very unique experience that most adoptive couples don’t get to have.
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The day that Adam was born was when I first started gaining an understanding of who a birth mother is and what she represents.
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I was amazed at Diane’s strength, because I know she was in pain both physically and emotionally. She endured labor and when that beautiful baby boy entered this world…she actually allowed me to be the first person to hold him..even before she did.
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When it came time for placement we were once again taken by surprise. We knew we would be signing papers in different rooms and that afterward we would come together again to exchange gifts and say our goodbye's. back together one last time so we could give Diane some gifts we had for her.
However it didn’t happen that way at all.
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We were all sitting in Diane’s hospital room and I was holding Adam, when our caseworker walked in and said it was time to sign the papers. I walked over to Diane so I could place Adam in her arms but was overwhelmed to see that she had started crying. The pain in her eyes was obvious and she shook her head to indicate that she couldn’t hold him at that moment so the caseworker led us out of the room, with me still holding him in my arms.
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I made it into the hallway just long enough for the heavy door to close before I broke down sobbing.
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Seeing Diane crying and falling apart broke my heart.
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I was mad. Mad at our caseworker for not preparing us for that moment. Mad that she wasn’t showing as much emotion as me. Mad that out of so much joy on our part, we were causing so much sorrow for another person.
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Mad that in order for me to be a mother I had to walk out of a room with someone else's heart in my arms.
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I think that’s when it hit me… A birth mother is the most selfless person I will ever meet.
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I know that Diane could have thought of a hundred different reasons to not make an adoption plan for Adam. But in the end she put her own feelings and thoughts aside and focused on what she wanted and needed for him to have in his life.
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In the end, that encounter in the hospital room with Diane was the last time that we saw her. She broke down and just couldn’t bear seeing us again. We weren’t able to give her gifts to her in person or hug her and tell her how much we loved her.
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If I had known that moment was our last, I would have done things differently. I would have stayed and cried with her, told her that I loved her and that I would do everything in my power to give her son the life that she wanted him to have.

When our caseworker outlined the “terms” of the adoption agreement, we were asked to send a letter and pictures every other month for six months and then not again until Adam was a year old. After that we were to send 1 package a year (on his birthdays) with a letter and pictures.
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We were also told that most birth mothers will remain in contact for maybe 5 years and then they will move on with their lives.
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When Adam was 1 month old Diane called and asked to talk to us and we had a wonderful time talking to her on the phone.
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When he was 6 months old Diane contacted the agency and asked to speak with us again…We said no. I was scared and feeling protective of our little family. I admit I had a moment of not wanting to share.
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It has by far been one of my biggest regrets and the regret was instant.
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As soon as I hung up the phone I knew I had made the wrong choice, I actually called the agency back and expressed my feelings but the caseworker had just gotten of the phone with Diane letting her know our answer and she said to just let it go for the time being. Out of one stupid decision on my part, I caused Diane more pain.
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Since that day I have learned so much. I’ve made mistakes and I’ve tried to right them, and then I move on and hope to never make those mistakes again. I hope that Diane has forgiven me.
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I stuck to the “terms” outlined by our agency for the first 6 months and then I started to deviate from the rules. Putting myself in Diane’s shoes I couldn’t imagine going 6 months or a whole year without seeing a picture or getting an update about Adam!! I continue to this day almost 3 ½ years later, to send her a letter with pictures about every 2 months plus I send a package on Christmas and Mother’s Day as well.
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The best thing I ever did was to get online and find an adoption community of bloggers. I started educating myself on openness in adoption and the more birth mother bloggers that I found the more I came to understand the love they have for these little babies that they place, I came to realize that this is never a simple decision for them. It’s most definitely not the easy way out for them.
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I learned that openness is the gateway to healing and reassurance… That birth mothers never forget about the children they placed.
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And the more in love I fell with our son, the deeper my love grew for Diane.
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I started to let go of the fears I had about adoption, especially open adoption. At first I was scared to share motherhood, but aren’t I the one that gets to see Adam every single day, to hold him and kiss him and tuck him in at night?

I think Diane has shared much more with me than I could ever share with her.
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I’m happy to say that we now email back and forth with Diane regularly. We also have this blog that I keep updated that she can check anytime between the packages that I send her. We are also face book friends now which is something totally new but great at the same time! We recently called her on her birthday and Adam was able to wish her happy birthday and tell her that he loves her. He may not understand yet but some day he will and he will forever be grateful to the woman that gave him life…and then gave him more, so that he could have the life that she imagined for him.
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I think adoption can be as open as you and your spouse and the birth mother are comfortable with. If you are honest with each other, respect one another and let go of your fears, you can have a loving relationship for life.
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When our son Cooper joined our family 3 months ago through another incredible birth mother, we naturally wanted and hoped for another open adoption. Fortunately, we have learned immensely from Adam’s adoption and so we’ve implemented all those things right from the start with L. We send packages, we email and she has access to our blog.
From L we’ve learned about the power of prayer and following the promptings of the spirit. She was definitely guided to our family.
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I still answer questions constantly about our son’s birth mothers and our open adoptions. People are naturally curious and skeptical and usually have it all wrong. I think that’s why I’ve started to advocate so much for a more positive representation of adoption on my blog. I’m also on the FSA (Families Supporting Adoption) board and I love to educate anyone about it. I’ve taught at local schools, monthly FSA meetings and even had conversations with people at the grocery store.
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If I could teach anyone anything about openness in adoption and about birth mothers it would be to place your fears aside and put yourself in a birth mothers shoes even if for only a minute…
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This is not a Lifetime drama designed to get ratings, it is real life. I recently read in a magazine, about adoption statistics, and only 1% of all the domestic adoptions in the US have a case of the birth parents trying to get the child back…(it does happen and I’m not trying to down play that)..but it is not the norm.
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A Birth mother is an amazing, strong, courageous, selfless woman but most of all she loves with all her heart.
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She will never forget about the child she placed.
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She puts her full trust in us as parents to the child.
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Her life will forever be changed because of her selfless decision.
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Both of our son’s birth mothers treat us with kindness and love and we in turn love and respect them SO much. They grieve, they have days filled with sadness and tears, but they also have moments of joy and are so happy when they see pictures of their beautiful boys smiling faces.
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They are our angels.
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We would never have the privilege of being parents if it wasn’t for them.