A Birthmother's Story- Cooper's story

I am SO excited that Cooper's birthmother was willing to write her story down so I could share it here! We love her so much and are so grateful that she is in our lives!

Hello! My name is L, and I was blessed to be able to place Cooper with Angie and Clayton! This is still very recent and emotional but I would love to share my story with anyone and everyone because of the blessings that come from adoption.

There are no words that could describe the feeling of being 28 years old, single and pregnant! It was my biggest dream turning into a nightmare. All I had ever dreamed of was getting married and becoming a mother! All the fun of having nieces and nephews and praying someone would come into my life and full-fill my dreams. I was scared, sick to my stomach and alone.

How was I ever going to tell my parents that I was pregnant? The fact that my oldest brother and his wife adopted 5 years earlier wasn't helping my thoughts because all I could think of was how bad they wanted another baby and because of my mistake I ended up with their hopes and dreams. How was I going to break the news and what where my plans going to be? Could I raise this child? Would I be strong enough for adoption? How could I ever make this important of a decision?

After many sleepless nights and talking with the baby's father and getting the reply all girls would fear, ADOPTION WAS MY ONLY ANSWER. I could never deny this child of a father and having the opportunity to be sealed to a family. A good friend, who had placed her baby 7 years prior, gave me the website, www.itsaboutlove.com. So I got on and started my journey of finding this babies family.

My thoughts on finding a family were confusing but very clear to me... I wanted a family that had ZERO kids. I wanted to bless a family that had not received the blessing of children yet!

I wanted a family that shared the same interests as I did. A love for sports and an extra bonus if they loved the Atlanta Braves and the BYU Cougars!!! I also wanted a family that was close with each other. My siblings are my best friends!!

I had found a couple of families that I enjoyed reading about and seemed to fit my profile. But, they just weren't it! I was getting discouraged and didn't want to look anymore. It was very emotional and hard to think about this babies future and that it was all in my hands. I thought to myself that if I wasn't getting that "MAGICAL" feeling then I was not going through with the adoption. I couldn't just give my baby to anyone.

So.. the search ended.

After a couple of months of planning on keeping the baby I had a labor scare and decided that I needed help. So I turned to the Lord once again and had many more sleepless nights. I called LDS Family Services and set up an appointment with a case worker, and was scared to death. I did not want to go in there and have a total stranger tell me my faults and the mistake that I had made. I was nervous that they would push adoption on me, since that was what they were there for. I WAS TOTALLY WRONG!!
My case worker was amazing! He said things to me that made me feel human again. He told me things that reminded me that Heavenly Father still loves me. He made it clear to me that this was my decision and no one should push me into something that I didn't want and feel was right. I was so happy that I had gone in to talk to him.

When I got home that night I jumped back on the adoption website and started looking again. I saw a few couples that seemed ok but just weren't it.

I turned off the computer and went and said a little prayer and asked Heavenly Father to comfort me and make me aware of the family when I came across them.

A couple of hours later I went back to the computer and clicked on a familiar face.

How exciting!!

I knew this couple and I was so happy that they were adopting and they had adopted a little boy already! As I kept looking at the profile picture I came to realize that I didn't know this family, but there was something in my heart that told me I did...

My heart was pounding! I didn't know what was happening so I clicked off!!

It scared me! I had NEVER felt that before... But I couldn't get their picture out of my head. I lay awake all night picturing this family and how happy they were.
The next day I found their profile and once again they looked so familiar to me and I had to figure out why? Did they used to live in this same city as me? Did they play softball against me? HOW DO I KNOW THEM?

Then... it hit me... This is my son's family! I had found them! With a past that I had once regretted, I was finally content.

I got to met Clayton and Angie about a month before Cooper was born. I was terrified to meet them. What if they didn't like me? And I knew they must have been scared too!
During a lunch with Clayton, Angie and Adam I felt peace within myself. I was finally ok with the thought of placing my baby with this family. Seeing how happy Adam was... and the smile on his face could win anyone over!

A cool thing about Angie and Clayton- When I found out I was having a boy I went and bought some BYU onesies and an Atlanta Braves t-shirt...Finding out that Clayton was the #2 fan of both of teams (next to me) just put the cherry on top!
Being able to talk to Angie and getting to know them better over the next month really helped settle my fears and calm my heart. I wasn't sure at that time how open I was wanting to be with the adoption. Was this going to be a heartache seeing his pictures or would it tear me up not knowing how he was?

It was my choice though and I had a big decision to make.

The day finally came and I couldn't wait to get this baby out!! Until I was about ten hours into labor... and then I thought just keep him in! I can't handle the pain anymore knowing the real pain would hit the next day with the placement! Thirteen hours later little Cooper was born!

It was such a bitter sweet moment.

Most babies aren't that cute when they are first born and Cooper was perfect! He was so beautiful!

How was I ever going to place this precious baby into someone elses arms?

That night was the longest night of my life. So much was on my mind. Could I really go through with adoption? I was in so much pain and too tired to sleep.

I just wanted to hold that baby as long as I could knowing that it would be the only chance I would get.

Saturday morning rolled around and I was not sure what emotions I should be having, but I knew my decision and I knew it wasn't going to be easy. Placement was set for that evening so I had prepared myself all day for it and I felt pretty strong... only to find out that the doctor was not going to release us until the next day. Sunday afternoon came around and that's when we would finally get to meet for placement with the case worker.

When I walked into the room and saw Clayton, Angie and Adam and knowing that they were waiting for this little boy to come into their lives, I had to choke back on my tears! I wanted this to be a happy moment. My heart was breaking for my selfish reasons yet so full of excitement for this family to finally get another addition to their family. As I placed Cooper into his mother's arms I couldn't stop my emotions.

At that moment I learned that you find strength in your moments of weakness.

Its been 3 months since I held little Cooper! Angie and Clayton are so wonderful with updating me on how Cooper and the family are doing. I would be totally lost if I wasn't able to see this precious boy grow and KNOW that he is happy and well!

Open adoption has saved my life.

Emotions are crazy after having a baby and even more crazy when you don't have someone to hold or comfort the pain. I am comforted when I receive the pictures of Cooper. Angie and Clayton have become part of my family. I love them as if I've known them from the life before this one! Thank you so much for caring and loving this little boy!

"You never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have."

Cooper, I will always love you!

L

Cooper with his cousin who was born on the same day!