Remaining a family of four.

It's kind of ironic that the last post I put on this blog was in October announcing that we were adopting a baby and now here I am writing a post about NOT adopting the baby.
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On New Years Eve we found out that the birthmom has decided to not place her baby girl for adoption.  This has been a difficult decision for her but she has chosen to keep her. There are so many emotions going through us right now that it's difficult to explain exactly how we feel. To say that we aren't sad or even a little bit heartbroken would be a lie.  We have known about this baby since July and thought we were adopting her since October so we've had several months of "baby on our minds". With any adoption situation you don't want to get your hopes up completely but nevertheless it's hard not to because you still have to somewhat prepare, emotionally, financially and spiritually for the "possibility" of an addition to the family.
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I have kept telling myself over the last several months that I would be fine either way. that even if we don't adopt this baby that it will be no big deal. I've told countless friends who have asked, that it's ok either way and that we will be just fine.

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So of course I surprised myself last night when I broke down in tears and couldn't stop crying.  You see, this is the end of the road for us. We will not be turning papers in to adopt again. I can no longer go around living my life with my heart on my sleeve.

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 I've known and felt for about a year that if we were going to have another child, he or she would literally have to fall into our laps. I couldn't bare the thought of turning our adoption papers in again, going through countless questions on paper, getting assigned another caseworker, going for interviews, having our home and family inspected just to say that we are fit and sane to be parents while so many people in this world can have babies so easily with no questions asked.  Don't even get me started on the financial burden...Adoption isn't cheap and we aren't wealthy.I wouldn't trade my children for anything in the world but getting them here wasn't a walk in the park. it was more like crawling through a muddy trench as it sucked every last penny from our pockets.

When this adoption situation came to us it was an answer to my (our) prayers. It literally was falling straight out of the sky into our laps. Clayton and I both knew that this baby would be completing our family and it gave me the added comfort of knowing that after this we could finally move on with our lives and step out of the "adoption limbo". What does that mean?  it means no more waiting and wondering WHEN or IF we would have another baby. No more worry about paperwork, caseworkers, money or the possibility of doing it all and then not being chosen by a birth mom.
We could finally start paying off bills, saving for the kids college tuitions, our boys missions and a family vacation. We would use all our baby stuff for the last time and then part with it happily.

So here we are. No baby to complete our family yet I'm certain that we are done. Like I mentioned before, I can't continue to wear my heart on my sleeve. Believe it or not (and this may be extremely hard to believe for those of you that know me very well) I actually used to be a very private person.  I guarded my secrets, my pains and all my hurts very closely.  For the first couple of years of our marriage our families and friends had no idea that we had been trying to have a baby for 2 1/2 years and struggling with infertility because we never told anyone.  I didn't feel like it was anyone's business and I preferred to struggle through it alone. Then adoption came along and blew my personal life wide open. All of a sudden I didn't have a choice but to be an open book about every aspect of my life. My heart rolled out on my sleeve for all to see and there wasn't anything I could do about it.  Since then I've had my hopes up... I've had my hopes dashed and I've had them crushed.

I've also had my hopes realized with the birth of both our boys. They are beautiful and precious and I couldn't be more grateful to God for allowing me to be their mother. I'm grateful for the Gospel of Jesus Christ in my life that allows me to see the bigger picture in all of this. my boys are blessed to be raised in the gospel and to have an eternal family.
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I am content with the family we have. I am relieved to know that we can move on with our lives now. and we will. We will get through this the same way that every person gets through a challenging time in their lives and that is by continuing to put one foot in front of the other. With time will come perspective and hopefully more happiness and joy.

Clayton asked me last night if I am embarrassed...the answer is yes. I am embarrassed that we made this huge announcement because I feel like we got everyone else's hopes up right along with ours. We also had two huge fundraisers that we couldn't have done alone. So many people around us invested their time, their hard work, their money, their hopes and prayers on the two events we planned. Both the yard sale and the 5k were a great success and we thank everyone single person who contributed in anyway from the bottom of our hearts. You will never truly know how your kindness has really affected us.
Clayton was talking to his mom on the phone this morning and told her we are so embarrassed about doing these fundraisers and taking everyones time and money and I'm grateful for what she said:

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"Don't feel bad for one second, your hearts were in the right place"

It's true. Our hearts were in the right place. Even though this adoption fee would have been an enormous finincial burden on our little family, we were willing to do anything and everything to get this baby here. I'm not tooting our horn or anything but that says a lot about our commitment.
Clayton and I talked about it last night and we are going to put the fundraising money that we earned towards our first adoption loan. We still owe quite a huge amount on our oldest sons adoption and this will put a dent in that amount.

So thank you again, to all of you that have had us on your minds, in your prayers, that helped us in anyway with our fundraisers and that have been our friends and confidants through all of this. We love you and are grateful to have you as our family and friends.

I don't regret this experience because it's from our struggles that we grow and become a better us. We have no ill feelings towards our birthmom. We will continue to love her and support her and wish her all the best. I'm glad that she was able to come to a firm decision and I know that she will be ok. I also happen to know that she makes the most incredibly beautiful babies and there's no doubt that this precious little girl will be beautiful inside and out.  I'm lucky enough to have been her "almost mom" for a short little while.